TO ALL POOR MUMS:

EVENTUALLY, I WILL NOT HUMILIATE ANYMORE TEENAGERS BY SHOWING UP IN A MIS-BUTTONED, COAT AT WAL-MART, WITH THE HORRID PAIR OF CARPENTER JEANS.

I DID GIVE UP THAT TACKY, FAUX SUEDE, FRINGED, DENIM, THRIFT STORE PURSE FROM HAMPTON, BAYSIDE, VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA. MY HAIR IS CUT SHORT BY A TRENDY-LOOKING AVEDA HAIRSTYLIST.

TWICE THE LAST TWO YEARS, I EXPERIMENTED WITH THAT HORRID EYEBROW, POWER TRIMMER TO MY OWN DETRIMENT. I ACCIDENTALLY REMOVED TOO MUCH FROM MY LEFT EYEBROW ON BOTH OCCASIONS.

I'VE BECOME LIKE A DEPRESSORIES POSTER, WHERE MY LIFE HAS BECOME A WARNING SIGN OF WHAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU, COOL TEENAGERS. AT 38, I HAVE ATTAINED VICTORY OVER TEN GARBAGE BAGS OF OLD JUNK, AND 500 OLD BOOKS THOUGH. DONE. FINIS. CHECKMARK. ACCOMPLISHED. PLEASE, GOD RELEASE ME FROM MY CLUTTER FURTHER THIS YEAR.