UPDATED: DEAR TWINKIE:

WE WON'T NEED BOEHNERS AFTER ALL, TWINKIE. TODAY, I NOTICED A QUARTER INCH OF BICEP MUSCLE THAT I POSSESS AT ALMOST 38 YEARS OF AGE. I CAN PROBABLY WIN IN A UFC MATCH AGAINST CHRISTOPHER MARK HEBENS NOW. PLEASE GET SOMEONE WHO LOOKS MORE LIKE RONDA ROUSEY FROM HARVARD UNIVERSITY TO DEMONSTRATE SELF-DEFENSE MOVES IN FRONT OF ALL FEMALE ENLISTED.