DEAR DIARY:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iT88jBAoVIM

WHAT IS THE MEANING I DRAW FROM MY LIFE, WHICH HAS BEEN SO FILLED WITH TRAGEDIES AND SUFFERING?

AGAIN, THIS YEAR, I REALIZED THAT I NEEDED GOD. I CAN NOT BE VERY STRONG UNLESS I REMEMBER GOD. THERE IS A SOUND OF CHURCH BELLS, IN MY MEMORY, THAT TELLS ME IT'S TIME TO PRAY, FROM MY VIRGINIAN CHILDHOOD, FORTUNATELY, SO I SURVIVED, BUT DID I ACTUALLY THRIVE?

YES, BECAUSE I GREW UP RIGHT NEXT TO A CHURCH, AND THERE WERE TIMES THIS YEAR, WHEN I LISTENED TO AMAZING GRACE, BY LEANNA RIMES, AND I ACTUALLY FELT HEALED BY THE LYRICS, AND MORE OPTIMISTIC.

GOD CAN TAKE CARE OF THE WORLD, I HAVE LEARNED. I SUFFER MORE IF I DON'T HAVE MY FAITH IN THAT GOD. WHAT A BURDEN, WHEN I START TO TAKE THINGS TOO SERIOUSLY. I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE IN GOD WITH MY HEAD LOWERED DOWN, OR FROWNING. IT IS TRULY ABHORRENT, THAT PEOPLE PUNISH OTHERS BASED UPON SPIRITUAL BELIEFS.

OFTEN, IN HARDSHIP, IT'S NATURAL TO LOSE FAITH. IT MAKES SENSE TO RESPECT A MORE FLUID INTERPRETATION OF RELIGION. EVERY SECOND, CHANGE OCCURS. THERE IS A METAMORPHOSIS, WITHIN EACH PERSON AS A RESULT OF EXTERNAL STRESSORS, AND MAJOR LIFE EVENTS.

I DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT 95% OF THE THINGS I USED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT, AT MY AGE. THE PRESENCE OF A GREATER, WISER SPIRIT, THAT I CALL GOD LOVES THE WORLD, SO THEREFORE, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A NATURALLY HEALING PROCESS, OR FUTURE FOR EVERYONE.

***NOW, I REALIZE THE ACTUAL WISDOM OF THAT POEM BY ROBERT FROST ABOUT AGING. ONE DAY MY HAIR WILL BE WHITE. WILL THESE RIDICULOUS THINGS REALLY MATTER AT THAT POINT, OR BE A WASTE OF MY TIME AND ENERGY?

IF I CAN NOT LET GO OF MY FEARS, AND HAVE FAITH, THEN I WILL ONLY SUFFER FOR THAT. IT IS AKIN TO SWIMMING AGAINST THE OCEAN'S TIDES. I HAVE TO JUST RELEASE THAT OLD HABIT. IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME. EVERY YEAR I REALIZE THIS EVEN MORE THAN BEFORE.***