TO ALL N.C.I.S., C.I.A., U.S. MARINES, AND ALL FEMINIST, MINORITY VETERANS FROM ENLISTED:

FROM NOW ON, EVERYTHING RECEIVED BY GOODYEAR AND BARNES AND NOBLES IN LAKEWOOD, COLORADO WILL NEED TO BE CHECKED FOR NANO-TRACKING PARTICLES, INCLUDING ALL BEVERAGES, CAFE ITEMS, MEMBERSHIP CARDS, GIFT CARDS, AND AUTOMOTIVE FLUIDS.