UPDATED: TO ALL U.S. NAVY PETTY OFFICERS: CLASS-ACTION ACTION, IDENTITY THEFT LAWSUITS NEEDED AGAINST ALL U.S. CORPORATIONS:

PLEASE REDESIGN ALL ENLISTED BUSINESS CARDS TO FIT THESE CRITERIA/SPECIFICATIONS:

1. PLASTIC, EMBOSSED WITH NANOTECHNOLOGY CHIPS THAT ARE VERIFIABLE BY ALL DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES, F.B.I. AND HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICES

2. GLOW-IN-THE-DARK "WATERMARK" DEPARTMENT LOGOS

3. MINI-USB FLASH DRIVES WITH 16 GB OF STORAGE, AUTOMATIC VIRUS, MALWARE, SPYWARE SCANNING SOFTWARE, THAT HAS A BUTTON TO RETRACT, INSERT CONNECTOR (E.G. CONNECTOR GOES IN, OUT, AND SWIVELS), ARE COMPATIBLE FOR MOST CELLPHONES AND TABLETS

4. STATIC-PROOF, SHOCK-PROOF, WATER-RESISTANT, HAS A FREE, GPS TRACKING DEVICE SOFTWARE THAT CAN ALTER, PERMANENTLY CHANGE DATA ON USB FLASH DRIVE REMOTELY

5. HAS A DIGITAL DISPLAY OF INFORMATION, PER JOB POSITION (HOLOGRAPHIC, 3-D IMAGE, WITH VOICE RECOGNITION SOFTWARE CONTAINING CURRENT NAME, RETINALLY-SCANNED, BIOMETRIC IDENTIFICATION INFORMATION, WITH BRANCH OF SERVICE, RANK, LAST FOUR DIGITS OF SSN, CLEARANCE LEVEL, AND FACIAL PHOTO THAT CAN BE ACTIVATED BY F.B.I. IN EMERGENCIES)