TO HOMELAND SECURITY DENVER, N.C.I.S., AND C.I.A.:

YESTERDAY, AFTER 1 P.M., CRIMINALS CAME BY TO STEAL TWO OF MY FRONT DOOR WELCOME MATS. PLEASE CHECK ALL SECURITY CAMERAS AND BRING ALL THE TERRORISTS, HATE CRIMINALS AND RAPISTS IN AGAIN. THEY AREN'T ALLOWED AT ANY COURT HOUSE, OR SCHOOL BUILDING, AS THEY POSE A THREAT. APPARENTLY, THEY ARE CASING OUT THE BUILDING TO BURGLARIZE, KIDNAP RESIDENTS FOR RANSOM, AND STEAL IDENTITIES.