TO ALL HAWAIIAN PIZZA MAKERS:

IF I SPOKE IN MY SLEEP, I WOULD PROBABLY BE SAYING, "ONE LARGE, SPICY HAWAIIAN PIZZA, WITH DOUBLE, EXTRA ANCHOVIES AND DOUBLE, EXTRA BANANA PEPPERS, ON A HAND-TOSSED CRUST. ONE LARGE, HAND-TOSSED, PHILLY CHEESESTEAK WITH DOUBLE EXTRA BACON AND DOUBLE EXTRA, BANANA PEPPERS. A THIRD, LARGE HAND-TOSSED PIZZA, BACON CHEESEBURGER, WITH DOUBLE, EXTRA BANANA PEPPERS AND TWO LITERS OF CHERRY COKE ZERO. ALSO, SWIMSUIT ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE NEEDS TO BE SUED BY EVERY FEMINIST IN COLORADO. THEY'RE ALL CRACK COCAINE, NARCOCULTURE PEDOPHILES."